It's been a long time, baby!

Areet folks....

So...have been neglecting poor old blog for at least 2 months...it's not awfully long i know, but i'm kinda surprised that I didn't post any updates before now...and why? this lady has a life!! ;) ok, so that life mainly consists of work and study these days, but there have been some rather crazy goings-on...especially in recent weeks!

Work is awesome, i've properly settled in now and finally know all the children's names...it's still hell trying to tell the twins apart though ^^.I managed to grab a few extra hours as well...every penny counts! I suppose your'e wondering why i'm not working full time...i dont choose to be a part-time bum,it took me 6 months to find a job in the first place and i'd rather have 21 hours than sweet fuck all! wouldn't you? :P I'm currently trawling the interwebings for a full-time job at the minute...i'm sure i would have had one by now if these godforsaken companies actually bothered to give my enquiries a moment's consideration....how many others like me i wonder, in the current economic crisis? :S hmm...anyway, i fear a full-blown rant here, and I don't particularly want to taint this latest entry with such dark themes...I feel this one needs a wash of colour-and you have all heard enough about the state of the country.Please excuse my cynicism, though, I know perfectly well that there is a large proportion of you who are quite happy to remain in the bosom of beautiful Blighty...

Oh,i finally visited Scotland at the end of last month (i've wanted to go for years,but plans have always fallen through...i'm useless at decision-making and general organisational skills.My star sign is to blame.(one irritating conviction that i'll discuss in more detail at a later date...) See i succeeded this time cos i didn't plan too far ahead in advance...it was one of those impulse choices you make when your'e chatting to a friend on msn who happens to dwell deep in the Scottish borders...lol ^^ i simply could not miss this opportunity! looking back though, I was pleasantly surprised that Adam, the aquaintance-since-turned-boyfriend (yes, i'll get to that part a little later) was happy to accommodate me for a whole week-we weren't exactly bosom buddies when we initially met, despite the fact we found ourselves under the same roof! He was one of my flatmates when I resided in Shithampton (Southampton) and we didn't talk much cos I was too wrapped up in my then squeeze...also living with us.the whole situation was...uncomfortable, not to mention illegal as I'd already signed a tenancy agreement for a house that I 'left' to stay with Adam and co! but nevertheless, twas kinda fun.Funny thing is, I'd barely known the guy by the time I was inviting myself over! I guess we grew a little closer thanks to msn and twitter...but mostly msn.Oh the joys of modern communication..:)

Alas, before i divulge gratuitously on the finer details of my personal life,i'll skip to the part when I got there! I could not believe how breathtaking the countryside was...so much SPACE! tbh i shouldn't have been this taken aback, i mean what else did i expect to see in the heart of the borders? a supermassive black hole?! :D Anyhoo, it was a truly wonderful week.Went for a stroll, resisted the undying temptations of near-vertical-hill running,and doing unspeakable things to the local farmer's livestock...also took a bit of time out to marvel at the historic architecture in E'burgh...not to mention the delicious food! here are a few snaps from the week for those who can't see them on facebook :P

THE COOS.

THE HILLZ.

CAN YOU SPOT THE GAY IN THE VILLAGE?

Yeah, so much fun was had.wish you were there ;)

Needless to say,leaving was the hardest part, mostly cos my friendship with Adam deepened over the course of my stay and we ended up parting as an 'official' couple,lol....the words 'long distance' didn't enter my head at that point, I was still riding on one of the best highs of my life.And after all the grief i've suffered at the beginning of the year, I think it's undoubtedly fair that I deserved this!

You may ask now, what does the future hold? Well i have never been one to fret too much about the future, though I do tend to dwell on the past...long and tiresome story.I don't wish to partake in the jinxing of such a joyous occurrence! I'm living each day as it comes, concentrating on the present (and ok then, IMMEDIATE future) cos this Friday it's destination Walkerburn again! Nothing but cows, sheep, (no ducks i'm afraid...i haven't abandoned the search yet...) and my gorgeous new boyfriend. :)

Alright, I'm slightly sorry for going so soppy on your asses, but i guess most of you have experienced these feelings before...I mean it's not like i'm being overly explicit now is it?! It's all i can think about right now and probably will be for some time to come...so get used it.I'll soon change the record if you get bored....

Peace oot, bozzos.

XXX

Workin in Wombledom

Hi fiiiiiiiiive.

A brief, kinda lame update in kittehworld is due.Now get off my case-i'm a)too tired and b) too busy to blog like bloggers should. Started my new job on monday, working part-time in the kewlest day-nursery ever in wombledom (wimbledon, lol) had a pretty manic first couple of days, keep forgetting EVERYONE'S names! though i guess it's to be expected from someone like myself, who struggles to remember what I said 5 minutes ago like ALL THE TIME.

I'm steering well clear from the spiritual musings today though, I can't stomach any of it right now as over the last week i've probably had no more than 10 hour's sleep.mum's meds make her incredibly fidgety and she's up and down the stairs like a a kid with a yoyo on a pogo stick, as well as muttering to herself.loudly.She's been popping'em for about a month now though, so fingers crossed events take a turn for the better real soon...it's been a rough ride to put it in simple terms.

In other news, (this phrase has now earned it's rightful place in my blog and i approve.) i've made a new friend on twitter :D well...we haven't hung out enough to call it a genuine friendship yet but the first meetup went well-his name is Scott, and i'm not telling you his twitter handle cos that's just goddamn rude without his permission, and i'm a respectable young lady :P So, we had a couple of pints in Croydon and random-bantered for a couple of hours, it was just so serene spending time in the company of a charming, witty male without all the 'ohmygod when is he gonna kiss me,ohmygod i sooo shouldn't have stroked his arm that way' rubbish that goes hand-in-hand with dates.

I've been single for about 5 months now and i never foresaw myself saying this but i actually really enjoy it! I've finally awoken to what 'loving oneself' means-it's got sweet F.A to do with egotism, it's about making TIME for yourself, getting up off your arse and rediscovering the finer things in life that bring you true joy and satisfaction.

YEAH! so i'm sorry if today's post has not stimulated you intellectually, but gimme a break! I'm a Gemini remember, so I can assure you there are further rants in progress.I JUST WANT TO BE NICE TODAY, is that ok???

yakkkkkksimaaaash, chinquy, compliments to the peoples etc

*YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNN*

xxxx

Dogsbody,mind and soul :)

G'day.

So, good things do indeed come to those who wait.completely contradicts my present view of actions reap rewards....but then again I guess life itself is a contradiction.We live in a vast shifting sand of opposites which are in fact entwined in a far greater world of glorious impermanence.... what angers me is that the vast majority of us Westerners are blind to it. Driven by image and the dangerous limitations of our humble five senses,we seek power in the external, the bloody trappings of the material realm. We cling like limpets to these mere mind-objects which cast our eyes away from the beauty of pure existence-the concept of oneness with our surroundings and the sanctity of every life form, on every scale, within them.
Yeah, here i go again you might say, but truth be told I'm slowly but surely tapping into something exciting here. You see, this is because i have discovered the art of mindfulness-or at least the notion that this is no longer conceptual...it is real and completely within my grasp.As I surveyed the great beyond,it suddenly dawned on me how peaceful one's mind can be when one simply sits back, and looks, without judgement.I closed my eyes and focussed my complete attention on my own breath. (it IS possible to do this, trust me) with each breath, i felt the earth's energy wash away all the tension within my body.amazing! It's almost like i was so focussed on that one thing, my breathing, that my body suddenly 'forgot' to feel pain...tres strange,but nonetheless thoroughly enjoyable and empowering.I'm also convinced that i've been either a cat or a dog in a past life.This afternoon i had TWO dogs run up to me-one pretty much flopped down into my lap (!!!) and the other presented me with a chewed-up football that he was SO asking me to throw, so i was like 'there ye go ye crazy mutt, FETCH!' both encounters were met with a profound sense of interconnection, of oneness-exchanges of the same energy I had used earlier to 'heal' my aching limbs.This,however, is what the experience meant to me.I don't give a damn if your'e reading this thinking i'm stark staring mad, cos i am, and i'm quite comfortable with it thank you!
I'm not sure if i would have felt that connection had i not meditated,but the fact remains that I experienced something of a divine nature and that, my friends, is a gift.I may not have been awfully productive today (other than getting burnt) but I was most definitely momentarily enlightened :)
anyway, in other news....i'm awaiting a phonecall/e-mail next week about a start date for my new job, I can finally relax and know that my life is happening perfectly-all because I know that change is the way of the Geminian, and I had welcomed the nature of change,of impermanence, into my life,with open arms.I have gotten what I wanted by not striving to meet these 'norms' that only we, as a race, deal ourselves.I'm definitely trying yoga next week :)

thought of the day:If i ignore it, maybe the problem will go away - wonder if this applies to sunburn :S

I'm so gay that I don't even like boys :(

Hey minions,
Yeah that's it.I actually want to be gay for a bit.what's so wrong with that? ok, so i do still LIKE boys (and men) but I'm having such a hard time with them at the moment ( and for once, an ex ISN'T involved!) that I just can't stand the sight of another willy.
It's been a while since ive indulged in a bit of rough with the ladies anyway, and i'm starting to think that maybe id be better off if i just threw caution to the wind and legged it to the very peak of the gayest hill in Gaydor.If anyone knows the way, please show me....:S
Sorry if i sound like im talking a load of codshit today, can't really help it considering my latest predicament.Mum's having another one of her 'funny turns' and i genuinely feel like i might crack at any moment.Life seemed to be treating me so kindly up till now, what with me finally giving something to the community and thus reinstating a sense of self-worth.Only yet again,my guardian angel succumbs to the shiny bleeding gates of hell and abandons me for one more tryst with that filthy red bastard downstairs....I should have known better than to listen to that bitch.
What am i actually getting at here, you may ask? well, I have to vent my anger somehow.Is it anger?i can't be angry at mum, as i know it's not her fault...it's her upbringing blah blah blah but if happiness rests upon taking responsibility for our own actions, then is her condition a case of karmic consequence? Is she now resigned to a lifetime of suffering due to her inability to stand up to her demons all those years ago? hmm.deep stuff, you may conclude.Yes, i've been reading the self-help books again.Unfortunately i give myself a headache by asking myself such questions, trying to find reasoning from a world that is beyond the verbalised..I have to do it for the sake of my own sanity,driving myself towards INsanity in the process but i am guided by the promise of otherworldly connections and spiritual awareness at the end...(according to my latest read.)
Anyway, changing topic somewhat cos i don't want to bore you to death,I had an interview last wednesday for a full time trainee post at a nursery, fingers crossed.I'm not getting complacent, but the interview DID go really well so my point exactly :) I'm ok otherwise i guess, I'm slowly realising my own self-destructive triggers so no matter how nervous and crappy i feel,i somehow manage to keep my head above the slurry :)....hmm what else is going on? Just seen the new star trek movie, will say that i am thoroughly impressed even though i am completely clueless about anything other than what the starship enterprise is :P LOL
I think this is enough for now, i'm still working on persuading the parents to buy broadband, I havent got a penny still so i'm continuing to rape the facailities at my local library until my indoctrinations prove successful!

If there's anything you want to ask me, anything at all,please e-mail or drop me a tweet, you know where i am!

Thought of the day:
It is better to light one candle than forever curse the darkness.

much love.XX

Holding back the ears :P

Hey folks,
It's been a few weeks but now i'm back! Just gonna give yous a brief update.Nothing major has happened yet in my 'kingdom of empty' , but the job prospects are looking up.I should be starting voluntary work with a local nursery in the next 2 weeks, if the damn training providers pull their fingers out lol! Also, I have applied for a few part time jobs in the meantime so that i can pursue all the things i enjoy once i start my training! (cinemagoing, drinking, shopping...i know.the usual lady things i guess, but things i have sorely missed over the last couple of years and i AM a lady so i deserve to enjoy them!) I managed to bash out a few badass cover letters too, that's the spirit, knock'em dead)
In other news, I'm starting to feel a little isolated, as in i feel i've lost a few ties with old friends.You know how it is when you make contact after a few years and they've settled down,had a couple of sprogs,rolling around in seemingly domestic bliss? yeah, that's me right now.Most attempts at trying to meet with people in the last week have been met with 'oh, i'm meeting this person or that person,sorry' or 'taking the littleun to whatchamacallit, another time'.See the thing is,I havent a penny to my name at the moment and i'm starting to think noone wants to give me the time of day just cos i'm broke! pathetic i know, and i'm not MAD at them for being busy parents but who wouldn't feel pathetic in my situation? And there i go feeling sorry for myself again...not taking responsibility for my own actions blah blah blah.Yeah, the self help books may have upped my confidence in the wake of what's happened but it doesn't stop me feeling JUST A LITTLE BIT crap :( So right now, I send e-hugs to everyone who's lost their job in these dark and desperate times...and pretty much everyone else who's feeling a bit low.
Anyways, enough of that.I DO go on, don't i?! so much for the 'brief' update...well i felt like having a rant, and suddenly afterwards things don't sound too gloomy! It's like I've actually stepped into the quagmire that is my head and dug all the worms out :) (and i know theyr'e good for the soil but the last thing i need up there are those slimy little blighters!)

If anyone wants to send me a hug back,please feel free....I like them :)

And to any of my friends who may have read this, I still love you, i'm just going through the motions!! X

I'm NOT the victim.

Today's motto: You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind.


Well helloes again,

I'm not writing shitloads today but thought i'd give you a couple of little updates....

firstly,I've got a nursery placement sorted :) Just need to chase up the pissing paperwork before i can actually start earning a few bob and begin living life again.
Bumped into an old friend yesterday (whilst on the way to a friend's...yes, i do have friends now! lol!) and it cheered me up so much,he hasn't changed one bit in 6 years.He suggested that myself and a few others should get together soon and have a few drinks-just those few words really brightened up my day and reminded me that true friends will always remember you.
One of my best mates Sam had a heart-to-heart with me yesterday,she has been so supportive over these last few weeks, as has one of my other closest friends Laura.I look at them struggling to keep it together as single mums and that puts all my problems into perspective....I have genuine hope now.I'm not clinging onto the unattainable.I feel stronger,wiser,refreshed.After only 6 weeks!I'm gonna go all hippy-ish on you now and say I'm proof that no matter how much shit is thrown at you,you CAN wash it off!!

Much luv.X

ch-ch-changes :)

Hey you mofo's

Well, today's gone pretty well in relation to previous weeks.I have an interview tomorrow at a local pre-school for a voluntary placement which will hopefully pay once my apprenticeship paperwork is sorted out! whoop whoop!
I'm back in the library (again!) ....god knows when i'll get my own inet back but one thing at a time eh...i need monehs for that!Dad has asked me to find out what goes with lobster as he's gonna be cooking it for dinner sometime this week.I dunno...peas? llamas? bricks?
As you may have gathered i am in yet another weird mood...but at least it's a better one.I think I'm finally starting to adjust to thinking independently again.It's horrible when you feel you are relying on someone else for pretty much everything, even your next thought!! I'm consumed with future plans at the moment! some of those things are....

To travel (I've got america,Iceland,Aussie,New Zealand and Japan on the list)
To drive!! (It's about bloody time i had my own car)
To start drawing again
To cook more
To lose another stone!

I mean let's face it, i'm doing quite well here.I havent set completely inachievable goals, which makes me feel like I'm on the track to finding a purpose :)
I'm also going to set myself a daily goal or motto, so that even when i'm bored shitless i can still find the motivation to breathe!

Today then, i'm gonna make you laugh with this joke that my friend Sam sent me last night...

An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample to the doctor.he turns up 2 days later with an empty jar.the nurse asks 'why no sample...?' he says 'sorry...i tried with my right hand, then my left...then my wife tried with both hands,then her mouth...1st with teeth in then teeth out...then we got ethel from next door to try but it was no good! we just couldnt get the bloody jar open!!'

And the motto of that is? Don't try TOO hard.It really doesn't work!

Laters fools xx